I'm Charlotte, without the sparkle

So it happened yesterday. It had been forever since the last one and I thought I had managed to sort it all out, but unfortunately my evil twin showed up yesterday. I had a total and complete mommy break-down. I was sick and my next round of Tylenol hadn't kicked in. I had asked Aiden to pick up the playroom a thousand times already and was trying to finish picking up around the house. My only hope was I was meeting family for dinner. At least there would be help. And then I discovered it. The thing that was going to send me over the edge for sure. In the playroom, scattered everywhere, in a million crumbs, a tortilla biscuit Aiden snuck while I was vaccuming. Oh Lord forgive me for yelling at my child and help me not explode!!! It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I began walking towards Aiden, my head pounding from my head cold, just completely pissed. Like he had disrespected me and my effort to clean the house on purpose. Because yes, 3 year olds can think in evil coniving ways like that! No I know he didn't do it on purpose, I know he is 3 and he is going to do things like this even though he knows it's wrong. I couldn't help it or take it. I screamed and yelled how dare he be so rude. Why tell me why you would do this!!! When I saw him flinch I stopped. Oh my God my son just flinched at my yelling. I began to cry. I can't do this not today. I am already a crappy mom because I'm sick and not playing with him as much as I should be now I scared him. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I walk away I am blubbering about how awful I am, sobbing. I am in the bathroom hiding. I cannot do this anymore. I keep telling myself how could I yell at him that much? Finally I scrape myself up off the floor, Caleb is crying loudly now. I go tend to C real quick and then walk over to Aiden who still is not cleaning but happily playing. I get down to his level and fight back the tears. "Aiden, mommy is so very sorry. I should never have yelled at you like that and I am sorry." Knowing that those words are not enough, I hug and kiss him. He looks up at me and says" It's ok mommy I still love you" And then the tears I have been holding back consume me and just let go. He finally picked up and I picked myself up. So happy today is a new day!